At the end of Francis Ford Coppola's 1979, Vietnam War film "Apocalypse Now," Marlon Brando's character, Colonel Kurtz gasps the line: "The horror, the horror" as he lies dying in a pool of his own blood. Obviously not really comparable to being hacked to pieces, "up the river" in the Vietnamese jungle, but tonight we are going into a heart of darkness of sorts, the horrifying world of glitter, choreographed dance moves, harmonizers, cans that turn blue, and cold-filtering. Of course I'm talking about the horror ("the horror") of pairing run-of-the-mill, American domestic rice-water (beer) and Top 40 pop drivel.
Hello my drinking and rocking friends! The Meista here with a rather odd pairing for you tonight. My friend Jason challenged me to take standard mini-mart beer and pair it with the popular songs of the day. So Jason, myself, and another friend (also named Jason) took it upon ourselves to explore the world of cheaply priced (and cheaply made) domestic brew and overproduced "musical" blather. "I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one." (In order to alleviate any confusion, we shall refer to the two Jasons as Jason 1 and Jason 2 respectively hereinafter.) Are you ready to begin? Yeah, me neither... but this should be an interesting challenge! Haha!
- First up is a Heineken with Gotye's "Somebody That I Used To Know" from the 2012 album "Making Mirrors." We paired this due to the fact that Heineken usually only has one non-skunky beer in the bunch and Gotye's "Somebody..." is the only "good" song on the album. There's also that great Vaseline smell you get once you open the Heiny bottle. The Heineken starts as as dull-flavored as this song and then revs up a bit with some funkiness (but not the good Farmhouse ale kinda funk.)
- And now we move to the horror that is Will.I.Am and Brittany Spears and their "hit" song "Scream And Shout" paired with a Busch Classic. As Jason 2 states, "it tastes like tonic water that has been infused with a little bit of stale cigarettes and yeast." Sounds great doesn't it? Jason 1 states, "totally processed music - the vocals are auto tuned, much like the flavor." The can states "clear and bright as mountain air..." just like Brittany's brilliance! Ha!
- Michelob Ultra deserves Justin Bieber and in turn, Bieber deserves the Ulta... why? Bieber is the ultra d-bag and the Ultra is a feminine, soulless, tasteless pool of cow piss. Jason 1 states, "and when you add the skinny jeans... I mean the skinny can, you have a tight package with foam." The song we went with is "Boyfriend." I seriously think I may shoot myself before the night ends. Good god! What the hell is this?? The beer and the song!
- To continue the fun we move now to Miller High Life (the Champagne of Beers) and none other than Beyonce's "Single Ladies." Like Beyonce, the Miller High Life has a hot girl on the bottle, but when you taste it... not so good. Jason 1 states, "the caramel color of the beer and the curves of the bottle give the impression (much like looking at Beyonce) that you are in for something classy, yet one taste and one listen to "Single Ladies" leaves a much different impression. Jason 1 says, "It smells like Vienna Sausages." Jason 2 adds, "yeah, like potted meat!"
- Jason 1: "I think a chunk just came out." Meista: "A blood clot?" "You know when salsa ferments?" asks Jason 2. Much like Jennifer Lopez's career, which has been left too long on the shelf, the Bud Light & Clamato Chelada is a bland, lackluster bloody mess. "Dance Again" is actually better than the beer. At least it has a little bit of kick. But lets move on... this one isn't worth it.
- And now we give you Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" and a Natural Light (Natty Light). Would either one of these be consumed if they weren't given away? Both are so cheap, they appear more on youtube links than any other medium. The taste comes across as desperate...I mean "Call me maybe"? WTF? What do you expect when you have absolutely no taste?
- Meista: "oh yeah, this is sh!t". That describes the pairing of Train's song "Drive By" and Coors Light. The beer starts off on a high note by actually smelling like beer, sort of like the first few beats of the song...right until the vocals begin. The two stage cold activation keeps this beer mellow, which is what Train thought when they ripped off Santana's song "Smooth" for the foundation of this song. It's always a good idea to rip off a crappy song to create an even worse song. Adolph, what beer were you trying to rip off?
- Fosters is Australian for piss we believe... as Chumbawumba is English for shit. Fosters smells like goat cheese and tastes like the milk after you have downing a bowl of Fruit Loops. There's a viscosity to the beer and a horrific clammy, thigh sweatiness to "tub thumping." That's all we have to say about that!
- And finally, we leave you with the hellishness that is Taylor Swift's "Never Getting Back Together" and a Bud Light. Here's our reasoning: "skinny, tasteless, mass-marketed, all the kids like it, and usually don't turn it down if it is put in your face." Jason 2 adds, "it goes down easy." (Smile), That came from my man Jason 1.
"I love the smell of [double cold-filtered auto-tuning] in the morning!"